My name is Xu Ji
I have had a crush on someone for 2 years. His name is Chen Yuan.
Two and a half years ago, when we entered freshman year, he was the new student representative. I will forever remember the way he smiled like the sunshine as he stood on the platform that day. I felt so warm. After that, I had an irresistible desire to approach the little sun.
High School was very loose, so you can choose your own seating arrangement. Therefore, I carefully thought about it.
I deliberately let him bump into me as he held a water bottle, so it spilled onto my body. At the end of August in the north, the cold water sprayed on my body calmed me a little bit.
He apologized to me. I intentionally frowned and said it was okay.
He asked me which class I was in.
I said, first year.
He suddenly became excited and said that he was too.
I smiled in my heart. Of course I knew you were too.
I don’t know if it was because of guilt or if the only person he knew in the class was me——the guy who took the initiative to touch porcelain.
In short, he pulled me and sat in the second to the last row against the wall. He said it was a safe position.
The back, front, left, and right were all covered.
I seemed quite calm at that time, right? Actually, I wanted to speak to him, but I was also afraid that I might say something that he won’t like, so I chose to keep quiet.
The headteacher was a big and rough person. He simply didn’t care about the seating arrangements and who’s deskmate is who. As long as you learn the lessons, you can do whatever.
So, the two of us have always been deskmates.
After getting along for a long time, I liked him more and more.
He and I also became more familiar, and he probably regarded me as a brother.
The second semester in high school is divided into subjects of arts and science. In fact, when I entered high school, I already made a choice. I wanted to study literature then I’ll study law in the future. But he is a science student. I struggled for a long time then finally chose to study science to accompany him. However, it seems like he just probably thought I’ve always wanted to study science.
Because my science grades were also excellent.
Class one was initially selected by the entrance examination – the top students. There were not many all-around students like me, and he’s not the same. For him, learning politics, history, and geography was agonizing. His chinese was barely passing. His science, however, was outstanding. He is a top student and among the best in the class.
He is also good at physics.
As for me, my biochemistry is good, while my physics is the only one that belongs to the middle or lower level of the class.
When I answered a question wrong or couldn’t answer it at all, he would smile triumphantly and say: “You still have to rely on your Brother Chen in physics. Come, come, come, brother will teach you about it.”
Later, I chose science.
We were in the same class again, and the headteacher was still the same.
Except for some ‘old’ classmates leaving the class and some new classmates entering, there was almost no change.
Our relationship grew tighter.
I’m not very active as I like to be calm and quiet. Even during the forty-minute break before the evening study, I don’t bother to move, so I often skip dinner. Later, in the last few minutes of each lesson, he would look at the teacher while glancing at his watch then turning his head to look at the door. His slender hands would curl up and knock twice on my desk, “Quick! Give me your lunch card. This grandson is prepared to run to the door for you.”
The fierce competition of grabbing food in our dining halls was frightening.
I also didn’t want to go because of that kind of crazy scene.
So, I handed him my lunch card and said what I wanted to eat that day.
He repeated them one by one to indicate that he remembered it.
After the lesson was over, he ‘swished’ and ran away.
At the same time, plenty of our classmates also rushed out.
The teacher stood helplessly on the platform, shook his head then left.
I laughed as I watched his figure instantly disappear from my sight.
I really liked him.
One day during physics class, he suddenly came over to me and asked: “Have you ever seen a homosexual?”
He asked in a plain tone, and his eyes were full of curiosity. Although he had no malice, it still made me panic.
He sighed, “As expected, you also haven’t heard of it.”
I gulped and asked: “What’s wrong?”
He frowned: “I read a story about homosexuality this weekend.”
I was suddenly more curious, wanting to know what he thought about homosexuality, “Oh, so?”
He shrugged, “I just suddenly remembered it and thought it was strange, so I asked if you knew. I’ve never heard about homosexuality before, and the first time I came across it was by reading a very touching story.”
I was just about to say something.
The physics teacher suddenly threw a chalk on his forehead, “Chen Yuan! Don’t do whatever you want just because you have a good grade. Do you think Xu Jing doesn’t need to listen to the lesson? You talk too much. Let’s talk about this after class!”
This teacher was always lenient to good students.
He smiled and apologized to the teacher. Saying that he’ll listen well and won’t do it again in the future.
There were a lot of female students who liked me in school. I didn’t have Q-Q or Weibo. As a result, in this modern era, I actually received something like love letters. I explained to the girls that I didn’t want to be in a relationship.
There was no time limit or gender restriction. I expressed myself rudely.
There were also plenty of female students who liked him. He was sunny and handsome, the first love of many girls. I think that describing his face for a first love is quite fitting since he has a very youthful aura.
He likes to play basketball and occasionally plays handsomely. He is very gentle to girls, never makes excessive jokes, and handles things appropriately.
Like many others, he pretends not to care but talks to me in private. What do you think of xxx? Such questions.
The questions he asked mainly were about good-looking girls.
I naturally understood what he meant.
So I usually don’t answer him directly.
I asked: “Did she confess to you?”
He bitterly answered, “Yes.”
I was inwardly happy when I saw his distressed face, “Do you like her?”
He lowered his head and murmured, “I don’t know. I just feel like bluntly rejecting people is not good.”
Of course, I was selfish, so I said, “If you don’t like them, then you should frankly reject them. Otherwise, you will give them hope that bears no results and make them even sadder.”
His eyes lit up, “That’s right, why didn’t I think this? I should reject it. I don’t want to fall in love in high school. I still want to take the Tsinghua University exam.”
My focus was entirely on that, ‘I don’t want to fall in love in high school.’ I was somewhat disappointed but soon felt relieved.
He’s right. High Schoolers really shouldn’t be in relationships yet.
Especially not with me.
He worked harder than usual in the second year of high school, but he still taught me physics every day.
My physics scores were pushed up by him little by little.
At the same time, I teach him chinese reading comprehension.
We helped each other, and our grades gradually improved.
To the point that I never imagined myself.
I thought that even if I studied hard in high school, I would be in the top 20 at most.
Although every day he shouts that he’ll enter Tsinghua University, he also always tells me, “When I’ll enter the top 20, I’ll treat you to a meal.”
We entered not just the top 20.
He was 5th. I was 8th.
The teacher praised us as model deskmates, and we both laughed.
In fact, everything was beautiful.
I’m willing to never tell him about my feelings and forever possess this beautiful present.
But things don’t go as one expects.
In the third month of being a third year in high school, during the most challenging time, he suddenly asked to meet up with me. It was difficult to take a day off, and we always only had single breaks.
When he met with me that day, his face was ashen.
Seeing his expression, I didn’t say anything.
We walked together to an open area, the most remote place. He suddenly stopped walking and stood still.
I just stood in place.
Then, he asked the question I was always afraid of.
“You… are you gay?” He asked with difficulty. His tone was full of suspicion, and I could hear the reluctance in his voice to accept it.
I wanted to deny it. I wanted to keep the stability of our relationship.
But I don’t like to lie.
I’m habitually frank.
So, I blanked out for a few seconds, and under his astonished eyes, I nodded, “I am.”
I was scared.
But I also held a trace of expectation.
How will he react?
I didn’t even bother with how he found out.
Then I saw what I least wanted to see.
He took two steps back, and his face was full of unwillingness. He asked, “You… From the beginning, you didn’t approach me just to be my friend, did you?”
I nodded, “Yes.”
“Do you like me?”
“I asked you, when did it start?”
“The first time we met in high school. The day you splashed me with water.”
Despair was written in his eyes, “You….”
For a long time, he couldn’t finish his sentence.
I just stood there and said nothing. Waiting for him to sort out his language and his emotions.
After a long time, he sat on the big rock beside him.
He swore a lot.
I just listened.
Afterward, he gradually came to his senses and seriously stared at me, “I’ll ask again, you’re not joking with me?”
How can I joke about this kind of thing?
I laughed, “No. I, Xu Jing, am born gay.”
I said word by word.
He heavily swore, “Fuck.”
Then, he no longer looked at me with a smile nor with his usual gentleness.
That was an expression I don’t dare to recall.
“From now on, we’re not friends anymore.” His face was gloomy.
I stood there motionless.
“Stay away from me.” He continued to say.
I still didn’t move.
I just stared at him.
“It makes me feel disgusted.” He frowned.
I’ve heard this word so many times.
But I felt it the most when it came from his mouth.
It felt as if my heart was being hollowed out.
My body was cold all over.
I wanted to cry for a moment.
But I’m strong.
I’m gay, but I’m not weak.
“Okay.” I agreed.
I agreed to not be his friend. I agreed to stay away from him.
I also agreed to stop him from feeling disgusted.
After receiving my reply, he walked away.
He walked too quickly and soon disappeared from my sight.
Afterward, he changed seats with a girl.
He never brought me food again.
I was no longer his double-entry partner.
I thought I was strong. These feelings are not all I am. I still have a long life ahead of me. How can I be overwhelmed by this minor setback?
But this was not the case.
I suffocate in pain when I see him laughing happily with others.
My parents noticed my abnormality.
For my future.
I transferred to another school.
I tried my best to control myself and maintain my grades.
I got a score that elated my parents.
I became one of the top 2 in China.
As soon as the scores were given, I came out to my parents.
Mother broke down.
She sent me to therapy.
Even when the psychiatrists told her that it was not a disease.
She insisted on getting me treated.
I tried to commit suicide multiple times after that.
They were all stopped.
One time it really fell apart. My actions were so ruthless that I almost got what I wanted.
She cried and told me to live well and hoped for my happiness.
Our family members are intellectuals.
My parents can be considered as open-minded.
However, homosexuality is just something difficult to accept.
At 28 years old, I met Chen Yuan, who was also 28, on a class reunion
We wore the same suits and leather shoes which were quite decent.
Our classmates joked, saying the two of us were so close that we were wearing the same pair of trousers.
I moved on a long time ago and just smiled.
His face still didn’t look good.
T/N: Wearing the same pair of trousers just means having the same interests and tastes with a close friend
That day we talked about relationships.
Some were married, some were single, and some were planning.
When Chen Yuan was asked, he shook his head and said, single.
When I was asked, I smiled and said I have been married for two years.
That day, Chen Yuan asked me a question that everybody thought was strange, “Girl?”
I was the only one who understood. I said, “Yes.”
He stared at me with complex emotions in his eyes that I couldn’t understand.
Everyone says it’s disgusting.
But I never felt that I was wrong.
I just happen to like someone of the same gender as me.
It simply overcomes the existence of the positive and negative poles’ mutual attraction.
I never felt that there was something wrong with me.
I don’t think God is wrong.
I don’t think homosexuality is wrong.
I don’t blame the worldly vision.
I don’t blame all of this.
I also don’t regret it.
I see a world different from everyone else.
This unconventional blessing.
He is Chen Yuan.
I am Xu Ji.
We are not destined.
There is no sequel to our story.
- Xu Ji is in a sham marriage.
- Xu Ji will meet someone he loves and loves him back in the future.
- Chen Yuan will not bend.