On a weekend night in junior year.
Su Wan finally could not hold the throbbing in her heart in anymore. She confessed to him over the phone. She said, “I-I-I…”
On the other end, no one uttered a word.
Su Wan finally squeezed out the syllables on her tongue, “I like you.” When she finished, however, she seemed like the one who was being confessed to. Her eyes were open wide with a bashful red face, but she could not hear anything from the other end. She clumsily hung up and then glared at the phone as she panted like she was about to die.
She had finally said it.
She had confessed to Li Chengran, the person she had had a crush on for three years.
Su Wan tugged at her hair, as she gritted her teeth, “Why did I hang up? Why did I hang up? Oh oh, I’m such an idiot!” Hadn’t she… not heard his reply yet. She had even summoned all of her courage and made that first step, but how come she had not continued? She was just like a soldier going to war, who put a bomb there and ran away, abandoning his helmet and shield…
What was she doing?!
Su Wan tossed and turned restlessly in bed. The next day, she went to class with black circles under her eyes.
She and Li Chengran went the same way to school. About a hundred meters from the school, Su Wan saw Li Chengran. He was buying a bun from a breakfast shop. Su Wan’s head that had drooped for the entire night suddenly became energized, but her body felt almost locked to the ground- unable to move.
But when all was said and done… he was still her classmate, so she would have to see him eventually.
Su Wan told her best friend, Wang Xin about her love confession. Wang Xin looked at her with shock and exclaimed, “Are you crazy?! We’re in junior year!”
Su Wan also felt a bit guilty and said, “I just couldn’t restrain myself. Say… say, if I were to rile up his emotions and disrupt his studying, what shall I do…”
Wang Xin looked at Li Chengran in front of her, who was memorizing words. Su Wan also tilted her head and looked over. Then, she felt a bit wronged, “But it seems… I haven’t influenced his feelings.”
Wang Xin patted her chest, “After class, I’ll go help you ask about the result.”
When she asked, Li Chengran said, “It’s too difficult for me to answer you during school. I’ll call her at night.”
Su Wan heard this and felt excited yet nervous, “He said he would call me? Really? When?”
“Since you’re this anxious, you might as well go ask him right now.”
“…” Su Wan lowered her head, “Last night, I hung up the phone like a failure. Where am I going to get the guts to ask him to his face…” After she thought about it, she grabbed her pen and jabbed it into her homework book, “Actually, maybe I can imagine he will reject me.” After all, she wasn’t very pretty, her grades weren’t that good, and with junior year pressing, who would accept a love confession?”
Wang Xin patted her back and did not speak.
That night, Su Wan did her homework listlessly. Then, she hugged her cell phone and turned around on the bed. 10:00, no call. 11:00, no call. 1:00 am, no call. Until 3…
Still no call.
Su Wan felt Li Chengran probably wouldn’t call her.
But she still didn’t give up, as she charged her phone and kept turning it on to check.
How come he didn’t call her? Didn’t he say he would call her? Didn’t he say he would reply to her…?
Su Wan felt too wronged, and thus, with swollen eyes she went to class again.
Today, she didn’t meet Li Chengran on the way. Because she was late, by the time she walked into the classroom, the class had started their morning readings. The teacher weaved between the desks. When he saw Su Wan come in, the teacher waved his hand.
According to the rules, people who were late had to stand outside as a punishment until the teacher let them in.
Su Wan obediently stood in the entrance of the door, keeping her head down, and not looking at anyone.
When the first class in the classroom began, she came into the classroom, still hung her head dejectedly, like a dog who had suffered a beating. Wang Xin asked her softly beside her, “Were you rejected?”
It was alright if no one asked, but now that someone cared, Su Wan immediately let out a sob. “He didn’t call me.”
Wang Xin went blank. “I’ll help you ask after class.”
Su Wan fiercely nodded.
When everyone got to this age, they probably all had thin skin and little guts. When something big happened, one would cry a little; when one had something to say, one did not dare say it directly, forcing one person to act as a go between to communicate for two people.
After Wang Xin got back from asking him, she looked at Su Wan expressionlessly. “Oh no, it’s all my fault. I ruined everything.”
Su Wan was confused, “What happened?”
“Yesterday…” Wang Xin scratched her head, “Yesterday you said you knew he would probably reject you, so after I met him accidentally after school, I said, Su Wan even knows the outcome clearly in her heart. When I just asked him why he didn’t call you yesterday, he said, ‘Since she knows clearly, then there is no point in talking to her’.”
When Su Wan heard these words, her expression immediately crumbled, “What I know…” Half-sobbing, she said, “What I know is only what I know from guessing. How could he not tell me and just… just not call me. At least he could call to tell me he wasn’t going to call me!”
Wang Xin wiped at her sweat, “Do you know what you are saying…”
Seeing that Su Wan was feeling extremely wronged, Wang Xin urged her, “Then why don’t you just find Li Chengran yourself and talk to him? In any case, he is right there so he can’t run off.”
“He’s already rejected me, so what else can I say?” Su Wan leaned on the desk, I’m going to do homework now.”
After her failed secret love, Su Wan was depressed for a period of time, but she was quickly drowning in a flood of homework and test after test. These tests that had her hands full continued until graduation.
On the day they finished testing, the entire class got drunk.
Su Wan hugged Wang Xin and cried, “In the future, I won’t be able to see you, I won’t be able to see you.”
Wang Xin hugged Su Wan back and cried, “I will remember you, I will remember you.” Their words were as painful as parting forever, but actually, their homes were only three bus stops away.
Meanwhile, Li Chengran sat in a corner, drinking with his pals. After Su Wan and Wang Xin finished crying and hugging each other, Su Wan sat in another corner watching Li Chengran drink. Whenever Li Chengran drank a cup, she would drink a cup. When Li Chengran stopped, she also stopped. When Li Chengran laughed, she also laughed. When Li Chengran sighed regretfully about parting, she would follow along and furrow her brows.
She had been rejected, but at that moment of separation, she didn’t know whether she still liked him, or… if she only liked the idea of him. Li Chengran was too good. She was probably never going to be able to pursue him to the end anyways.
After drinking too much, Su Wan got a bit drunk,
She felt that after today, she would never see Li Chengran ever again.
At 2am, everyone came out of the KTV. Su Wan didn’t bother with Wang Xin anymore. She silently followed Li Chengran, and walked with him and his pals. They continued walking like this for two blocks. It was still Li Chengran’s classmate who glanced at her drunkenly and remarked, “Su Wan!”
Everyone stopped in their steps and looked back. They were in a sciences class, so there were more guys than girls. One of the guys asked, “Didn’t they already indicate who you would go home with? How come you’ve managed to wander and follow us here?”
Su Wan did not speak. She took a few steps and grasped Li Chengran’s clothing, as her tears began to fall.
All the boys there were drunk, but they still had their reason. They looked at Su Wan and then looked at Li Chengran, and finally they looked at each other.
Su Wan didn’t speak. She only grasped Li Chengran’s clothing and cried soundlessly, with tears that fell like rain.
The scene remained silent like that for a moment. In the end, it was Li Chengran who grabbed her hand and grasped it in his palm. “Let’s go.” He said, “I’ll take you home.”
Su Wan did not reply, all her energy gone into crying her tears.
Only after Li Chengran had taken her home and only after Su Wan had cried until her whole face became swollen did she look at him pitifully, “In the future, in the future, I won’t be able to see you again, right?”
Li Chengran did not answer. He only took the last napkin out of his pocket and gave it to her. “You’re home.” Then, he watched Su Wan wipe her nose as she sobbed and walked into the corridor and got in the elevator.
Why would she cry like that…
Li Chengran threw away the empty napkin packaging as he looked up at the building. He only left after Su Wan’s room on the 18th floor lit up.
Su Wan really felt she would never see Li Chengran ever again.