But let me tell you, I was generating electricity with love1, so I could take all this.
The thing I really couldn’t take was that living together until now, nothing romantic ever happened. It was like we had advanced decades, directly entering the state of an old couple with no desire.
Of course, half of this was my own fault. Back then when I had nothing better to do, why did I have to tell him I was asexual?
If it weren’t for that, maybe we would already have a child (not true).
As I’d said before, I had all the normal desires of man, but I just didn’t want to have sex. It was psychogenic.
As for right now… to hell with psychogenesis. I only wanted to climb into Wang Dequan’s bed and sleep with him.
I wasn’t in a hurry. I was just a bit restless.
Since ancient times, love and desire had always gone hand in hand, but I couldn’t tell if Wang Dequan had any desire for me.
He always said I had a qi deficiency, so every few days he would give me an acupuncture treatment. As you all know, it was acupuncture after all, so I had to reveal my arms, legs, chest, and back.
Prior to the first treatment, I had thought it would be like this. I coyly took my clothes off, and he used his fingers to feel for acupuncture points. He felt all around, touching me until there were pink bubbles2… Don’t laugh at me, don’t all the erotic novels write things like this?!
In reality, I was lying on the bed like a log, and Wang Dequan was completely calm. He applied the needles quickly and efficiently, and once he finished, he pulled the blanket to fully cover me. I felt like there was no difference between the way he looked at me and that acupuncture copper man at Hesong Clinic.
Where could I go to justify this? Find an author of erotic novels?
During my lunch break, there was an editor from our magazine wearing headphones and secretly watching a movie I cannot describe. She was hiding in the corner, but to no avail because she was exposed by the glass window behind her. I solemnly stood beside her for a long time, and when she suddenly raised her head, she nearly dropped her computer in shock.
“Editor, editor-in-chief!” The editor was too ashamed to show her face.
“What were you watching?” I asked.
Her face turned red. “A, a banned film.”
She hurriedly explained, “It’s just that I sometimes see download links on Weibo, and I was curious so I looked at it. I really didn’t know what it was about before, nothing else…”
“You don’t need to explain, I understand,” I coldly said and handed over a flashdrive. “Please make me a copy. Thank you.”
On a dark and windy Friday night, I held my computer as I pushed open the door to the master bedroom barefoot.
Wang Dequan was leaning against a pillow as he read a book. He raised his head and glanced at me. He frowned and lifted the blanket beside him. “Why aren’t you wearing slippers again? Hurry and get up here.”
His house had wooden floors, and I particularly liked the feeling of stepping directly on it, but Wang Dequan detested this and repeatedly told me I couldn’t do it.
I naturally jumped into the bed and got under the warm blanket next to him.
“Can you not read today? Take a day off.” I shook his arm, “Watch a movie with me.”
Thanks to the government, Wang Dequan didn’t inquire into legal copyright issues with me at this time. He thought for a moment then closed his book and put it to the side, reaching out to close the light.
I hurriedly put the laptop between us and opened the player.
The background music wrapped around us in the darkness. It was especially arousing, and I leaned against Wang Dequan as my face quietly burned.
Banned films were indeed banned films. Ancient castles, imprisonment, incest, pornography, violence… With the ambiguous yet lustful atmosphere, I felt as if there was a small hook slightly scratching at my heart. Our breathing changed tune. We were very close, and no one could hide from anyone.
I slowly unbuttoned his pajamas and touched his firm stomach, trying to tease him using the little pathetic experience I had.
Wang Dequan grasped my hand, not allowing me to move. I pushed the laptop away and sat on his lap trying to kiss him.
Although the heater was on in the house, I still thought it was cold as I crawled out from under the covers, or because of my excitement, my whole body shivered slightly.
Wang Dequan suddenly turned over and pinned me down. He lifted the blanket and wrapped it around us, his body heat reaching me through his pajamas.
We could hardly tear ourselves away from each other as we kissed, feeling each other’s rising desire.
A hand reached into my pants, making me too nervous and embarrassed to move a muscle. Wang Dequan’s hand was bony and strong, and I bet he also had little experience. But would practicing acupuncture and massage count? As soon as I thought of his lowered head and concentrated expression as he would give me acupuncture, I could barely hold it, and it didn’t take much effort for me to surrender.
… No, let me explain, I swear I just got too excited because it was my first time!
In order to regain a little dignity, I thought about whether Wang Dequan was the type to take a bit of initiative or the type to be a bit more reserved as I desperately searched through my mind for the knowledge I’d gathered from movies. The only thing I didn’t expect was that at this time, he would suddenly slam the brakes, turn over, and sit back up.
Bewildered, I sat up with him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
He combed through his hair and fastened his buttons. When he spoke, his voice was still a bit hoarse. “I think… we might be moving a little fast. How about we wait a bit longer?”
“Why do we have to wait?” I didn’t understand. “What do you have to worry about if I can accept it? Are you asexual too?”
“That’s not what I meant.” He responded, “I just wanted you to think about it for a while longer. Whether you truly want to start a family with me and live together.”
“Huh? Haven’t I already moved in with you?”
“Right.” He paused, then said, “So living with me up until now, you’ve found out how boring I am, right? Actually, I was afraid that maybe one day you suddenly wouldn’t be able to take it anymore and leave me. Anyway, I thought that no matter what, it would be better to leave you room to back out so we could learn to get along with each other for a few months first, and if during that time you really thought we were suitable…”
I was astonished from the start, but upon hearing the last part I was simply so angry I wanted to laugh.
“Wang Dequan, you’re not bad, you can even play this kind of game. You’re just, just…” I took a breath. “You asked me to live with you with the intention of breaking up? Then, you’re still quite polite, worrying that sleeping with me for nothing would be taking advantage of me, right?”
He didn’t argue and only helplessly looked at me with an expression like he was watching a child throw a tantrum. I understand what that meant, the implication being, “Look, aren’t we already starting to fight right now?”
“You’re just… crazy! I don’t want to talk to you!”
Gasping for breath, I jumped off the bed and ran out, and he still remembered to remind me, “Put on your slippers.”
I had already run to the front door, but as soon as I heard those words, I changed my mind. I turned and dashed back, forcefully jumping onto the bed.
“You bastard! Scum! How dare you want to break up with me! I won’t let you get away with this!” I angrily shouted at him, “If you want to kick me out, you might as well step over my dead body first!”
Wang Dequan was stunned and took a while to react. He came over and poked me, “Baby?”
“What baby?! Who’s a baby?! It’s sickening!” I squirmed like a caterpillar and forcefully shook his hand off. “Leave me alone! Can’t you see I’m still angry?!”
“Oh.” He slowly said, “Then should I go sleep on the couch in the study?”
“You dare!” I felt even more angry and sat up with a grunt. “You’ll sleep here. Where else would you want to go?”
Wang Dequan responded with an “okay”, yet he still put on his slippers and walked out.
“I’m going to the bathroom.”
No, “oh” my ass!
Whoever said blind dates were a bunch of weirdos wasn’t kidding! How the fuck did I end up with someone like this! I was going to explode!
I laid in Wang Dequan’s bed refusing to leave. I didn’t know when I had fallen asleep, but when I woke up the next morning, I found myself clinging onto him like an octopus.
He was already awake and was resting his head on his arm as he quietly stared at me.
I blankly stared back. “You…”
“Good morning.” Wang Dequan leaned in and kissed my forehead then got out of bed to wash up.
… Hah, did he think he could just fool me into forgiving him like this?
I lifted the blanket and looked down, wanting to cry but the tears wouldn’t come.
The two of us pretended nothing had happened last night, and we went to his parent’s house after breakfast as usual, but there was a lump buried in our hearts. Even Auntie Chu could see it and quietly asked me in the kitchen, “Xiao Du, did you guys have a fight?”
I sat on a small stool helping her trim the vegetables and laughed, “Of course not, we’re fine.”
“You’re not in a bad mood?” She didn’t believe me. “It must have been Linyuan who upset you. What did he do? I’ll go talk to him.”
I actually wanted to complain to her, but could I tell her that we couldn’t agree on our sex life?
Auntie Chu shook her head as she arranged the food on the plates. “Linyuan’s personality is no good. He’s old-fashioned and has no passion for life. You don’t know how worried I used to be. However I looked at him, I thought he was going to be single forever.”
Even if you’re my boyfriend’s mom, you can’t say that about him! Slightly indignant, I said, “Not at all. There’s nothing wrong with Wang Ge’s personality. He’s reliable and mature.”
“You’re a good kid.” She sighed, “In fact, it’s because we didn’t teach him properly. When I was younger I was very competitive, and I was too strict with him. He could only strive for first place in everything, and even second place wouldn’t cut it. His dad was also like this, and from childhood he only knew to teach him to memorize Neijing and Tangtou Ge. We both lacked concern for his life. By the time we realized this, Linyuan was already grown up, and he never talked to us about anything. When he was going through puberty he discovered that he liked men. He was very depressed and had no one to talk to, so he could only bury his head in books everyday and became more and more withdrawn.”
I listened intently.
“Once he started working, I urged him to get married, which is when he told me the truth, allowing me to drop the matter before it was too late and I ruined a good girl. I was furious at the time, but later I thought about it and put myself in their shoes. Someone’s girl would also be their parent’s baby, so who were we to involve others? Then I thought, our child has his own destiny to live, and as long as he could live a good life then it was up to him.”
Wang Dequan suddenly pushed open the door and came in. “What are you guys talking about?”
“What can I say?” Auntie Chu said, “I was helping you look pitiful. When Xiao Du shuns you in the future, you can still think about your mom’s face.”
“Oh, thank you mom. Then add in a few more good words for me.” He picked up the stir-fry and walked out.
Once the door closed again, Auntie Chu turned toward me. “You see? He always has this attitude. Isn’t it annoying?”
How could I still not understand at this point?
“Auntie, I know what you mean.” I earnestly said, “Actually, you don’t need to worry. Although we have small fights sometimes, I have no doubt we will spend our life together.”
Auntie Chu listened and wiped her hands on her apron, then wiped her hands on her apron again. “Why, when you’re a parent the worries never end.”
She came over and patted my head. “That log, even if you rush him he doesn’t hurry. I don’t know when we’ll manage to have a celebration for you two, so you can start calling me mom a bit early.”
- An expression that refers to when something you do doesn’t give any reward but you do it purely because you love or want to.
- Describes when you get very excited or happy so pink bubbles start floating around you like characters in Shoujo manga.