On How to Properly Instruct Old Chinese Doctors to Use Emojis chapter 6

Chapter 6

36.

Most of my colleagues brought their significant other so before we started singing, we began to liven up the atmosphere with self-introductions. Everybody took turns saying their professions and interests. Basically all of them had white-collar jobs and had interests that didn’t go beyond sports, music, cooking, movies, and photography. There was nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary.

It was Wang Dequan’s turn next, and since I had urged him beforehand, he safely gave the name “Wang Linyuan”. But once he revealed his occupation, there was a brief awkward silence.

My heart thumped.

That’s how it was. Our editorial department, a group of bumpkins, was more inclusive of traditional Chinese medicine, but the political correctness of the editors in the fashion department was basically: Emphasizing quality of life, pursuing brand consumption, supporting gay people, being fond of fitness, only supporting scientific theories, mocking religion, and being anti-Chinese medicine.

I wasn’t saying they were all wrong, but these people were not at all like that. Just look at them. Among the ten of them in the room, nine of them said they liked fitness, hiking, and traveling, but eight of them did not have the figure of people who work out often. They said they fight for gay rights when in reality they used pretending to be gay as a trend. They often scrolled through Guokr and Zhihu and watched Luogic Talkshow, learning some “double-blind” and “big data” scientific terminology then complacently daring to criticize other people’s specialized fields, saying they have no merit.

They were idiots without even realizing it.

In order to ease the atmosphere, an editor from the news department cut in, “Ah, a Chinese doctor is great. It’s so hard to see a doctor nowadays. Editor-in-chief Du, next time when I feel unwell, is it alright if I come find Doctor Wang?”

Before I could say anything, T began to speak with that usual mocking face of his, “Then I’ll give you a suggestion. Normally, most common illnesses will get better on their own without medication. These are where Chinese doctors can put their skills to good use. What cold? What sore throat? You go see the doctor, come back and drink some more hot water. And hey, after ten days you can be miraculously cured!”

The editor froze, then still attempted to refute, “But you can’t say that. In my hometown I had a cousin who had asthma since she was little, and Western medicine was never able to permanently cure it…”

T interrupted her, “Afterwards she saw a Chinese doctor and was completely cured, right? Hey, I didn’t say this, you always say the same old thing. As soon as you open your mouth, it’s exactly, ‘I originally never believed in Chinese medicine but in the end, a bunch of my relatives got some difficult illness and the Western doctors couldn’t cure them, but they were finally cured by a Chinese doctor.’ Can’t you come up with something new for once?”

When he finished speaking, he immediately grinned at us. “Hey, hey, I’m just joking. I don’t mean anything by it.”

Fuck, I was going to explode!

I coldly laughed and was going to retort when suddenly, a hand strongly gripped mine.

Wang Dequan remained unmoved and held me back. With extreme self-restraint, he smiled at him and said, “Thank you very much for your comments. I’ll learn from them.”

37.

His voice was calm and deep, without a trace of aggression, but it was like he could make everyone in the room hold their breath. T, with his little ability, was like a little boy stomping his feet in front of him.

Seeing these two from my perspective—how do I say it—it was like a knife plunging into the sea without even a splash.

The people who had come to their senses began to smooth things over and changed the topic, trying to play things down as the song also began to make a racket. I held Wang Dequan’s hand on the sofa but never let go.

At this time, I felt more clearly than ever before that this was my lover. I knew that the fashion department always acted shamefully like this, and I knew they would have collective orgasms hearing certain words, but the more this happened, the more I had to stand squarely in front of everyone with Wang Dequan.

Because from his occupation to the person he was, there was nothing to be ashamed of.

Others looked down on him, but I was proud of him.

38.

There was no common ground between us so continuing the discussion was useless. T cracked jokes as he sat back with his group of female subordinates with makeup as if they had polished their skin. I pulled Wang Dequan to the other side of the sofa and introduced my colleagues to him one by one, everyone keeping out of each other’s business.

But there were times once one humiliated oneself, they did things that were truly hard to imagine.

When the melody started to play, I didn’t take notice of it at first. But the two colleagues we were chatting with had strange expressions and were frowning in the direction of the lyrics screen.

It was then that I noticed, and I didn’t know who was singing this song—

“I’m an old Chinese doctor, I specialize in curing bragging~ Your headache, fever, and low blood pressure have fucking nothing to do with me~

“If you want to brag, it would be better for you to jerk off~ Save some money and get high, and it’s fucking stress-free~

“It’s fine if you’re a poser, it’s fine if you’re an idiot~ But those who like to brag have no real strength~

“If someone likes to brag, he should find an old Chinese doctor~ Hit him in the head with a powerful five poisons slap”

What were these freaking preposterous lyrics?

I glanced around only to find that T and the fashion department were near a female deputy editor, sitting on stools in the middle of the small stage in the room. I didn’t know where they unearthed this absurd song from, but they were smugly and energetically singing, and below there was also a group of people snickering and cheering.

It seemed that Wang Dequan had discovered it long before, but he remained calm and turned a deaf ear.

I restrained my fury and asked a girl next to me. “Do you know what song this is?”

“Ah?” She came back to her senses, glanced at Wang Dequan, and timidly said, “It’s some female singer’s called “I’m an Old Chinese Doctor1”. It went viral and was popular for a while. It’s pretty vulgar, but a lot of people like it. But her singing it here is a bit… um…”

38.

I exhaled deeply, trying to stay calm and not argue over a lousy song.

But when she sang, “If you brag every day, sooner or later lightning will strike you~ If thunder and lightning can’t kill you, there will still be an old Chinese doctor”, I wasn’t able to restrain myself anymore. I dashed up with one large stride, and this time even Wang Dequan couldn’t stop me.

The female deputy editor didn’t seem to expect that I would lose control but had an expression that said ‘since I’m a woman, you wouldn’t dare hit me’ and provocatively looked at me. Of course I wouldn’t hit anyone, and I only reached my hand to shut off the music. Immediately, there was a frightening silence in the room, and everyone looked over in shock.

I took the opportunity to snatch the microphone from her with a loud “buzz”.

“Have you sung enough?” I coldly said, “If you have, then get off. I have something to say.”

Then I turned toward the audience. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to interrupt everyone’s fun.”

My voice reverberated around the room through the speakers, a bit distorted, and I even felt like the sound of my fiercely beating heart had amplified out.

My head was spinning so fast I even realized I would likely be fired at work tomorrow.

But I didn’t care.

“Brothers, how about this? We honest people shouldn’t speak behind others’ backs. Your department—oh—and my other colleagues here, if you feel any discontent toward me or Wang Ge, why don’t we bring it up now? Let’s talk about it so we can still get along in the future. Anyone? Don’t be afraid, just go ahead and say it.”

It was completely silent.

“No one? Okay, if there’s no one then I’ll start talking.”

I didn’t shy away from pointing at the female deputy editor and the group of colleagues by her side, questioning, “What did this old Chinese doctor do to you? I don’t care whether it’s some viral song or not, and no one cares if you like kitsch. But singing this in front of my boyfriend, explain to me, what do you mean?”

She was embarrassed, and as T was about to speak I turned my attack towards him.

“And you. Not one true or useful thing ever comes out of your mouth. How many times have you been to a Chinese doctor? How many cases have you counted? Are you well-versed in TCM theory or have you studied Western medicine? Okay, so you don’t know anything.” I pointed at Wang Dequan. “Then, do you know how many patients he has cured? Do you know that he carries his medications and needles with him wherever he goes? Do you know that when an old lady falls ill on the street and no one dares to help, only he dares to go and rescue her?”

The more I spoke, the angrier I felt.

“You don’t know anything, so where do you get the confidence to spew bullcrap all the time? They’re both to help the dying and injured, so if Western medicine can receive people’s respect, then why does Chinese medicine deserve to be stepped on? Oh right, I know you guys in fashion look down on anything of the older generation. It doesn’t have anything to do with me if you believe in them or not, but sorry, didn’t your mother ever teach you how to respect others before freedom of speech?”

39.

Have you ever fought with someone using a microphone?

I can tell you right now that it’s very refreshing. Your voice is so loud even the deaf could hear, and if the other party wants to talk back, they’re completely drowned out and you can’t hear them hahaha.

40.

There was still one problem.

This prick was done pretending, and I was done calling them out. How should I conclude things?

41.

“Du Qing.” I didn’t know when Wang Dequan had come to the stage, with an “I don’t what to do about my child” kind of attitude. He stretched a hand toward me. “That’s enough, come here, what are you doing?”

Following this way out of the situation, I grunted, cast the microphone aside, then grabbed his hand and went down.

The door to the room was suddenly pushed open, and a server asked, “Excuse me, is there anything you need?”

Everyone looked at each other helplessly, then Wang Dequan said, “Oh, I rang the bell.”

He ordered several types of high-grade alcohol. He turned around and pulled me over, then said to everyone, “I apologize. Du Qing is young, and he’s very blunt. I’ll treat you to these and make amends on his behalf, so everyone please excuse us.”

Everyone hurriedly said “it’s all right,” saying it was over, not to damage good relations, and so on.

Among the harmony, I heard that bitch T mutter, “He drives that crappy electric sedan, it’s laughable. He slapped his face until it was swollen but he isn’t imposing2. What’s he pretending?”

42.

Before I was about to pounce on him, Wang Dequan deftly held onto my waist, pressing me into his arms.

43.

His hands were very strong.

44.

“Don’t be angry, anger harms the liver.” Wang Dequan closed the car door and calmly pulled a bottle of Xiaoyao pills out of his bag and handed it to me. “Do you want to take some? It clears away irritability.”

I poured out a handful of pills and stuffed them into my mouth, taking a drink of water from the thermos he handed over. I tilted my head and swallowed them. “I just couldn’t stand it. He can insult me, but why insult you!”

Wang Dequan smiled, turned on the headlights, then started the electric sedan.

“You too, you can still smile. Isn’t that being too good-natured? Other people were stepping on your nose but you still didn’t get angry?”

“It’s easy to indulge in a moment of anger.” Wang Dequan said, “I had no problem fighting with him, but how would you act at work in the future?”

“Oh.”

Say, these Xiaoyao pills worked very well. I suddenly didn’t feel one bit of anger.

45.

I rode in the electric sedan all the way to my apartment complex. My mind had already calmed down, and I began to feel that I was very childish. It was like I was a little kid that had gotten into a fight, then having to deal with the aftermath with my parents and having them paying for the conflict I’d made.

What about my aloof, intellectual, and rational persona?

“Ahem, Wang Ge. Normally I’m not actually this short-tempered.” I glanced at him and prudently explained, “I’m still quite a nice person to get along with.”

“Yes, I know.”

“I just acted on impulse today.”

“It’s okay. Don’t lower yourself to their level.”

“How can you have such good self-restraint?” I couldn’t help but sigh.

Wang Dequan parked the electric sedan in a corner parking space.

“I’ve heard that too many times. I can’t get angry even if I want to.” He said, “Besides, it is true that Chinese medicine isn’t perfect. Even today, its shortcomings are just as prominent as its strengths, and it isn’t beneficial to face no criticism. All I can do is remove the bad and preserve the good, keep up with the times, and carry forward. Baby, there are so many things I can’t do. One lifetime is so short, where can I find so much time to put into fighting other people?”

Oh, after clearing the misunderstanding from last time, his secret nickname for me became “baby”.

Calling it out when we’re joking around is fine.

But how could this man call me baby at such a serious moment?

It’s breaking the freaking rules!

Why are you teasing me if you don’t get on me!


Translator’s Notes

  1. The song in Chinese is called “老中医” by 花粥 (some of the lyrics in here are different from the actual song)
  2. Refers to an expression (打肿脸充胖子) that means to slap your face until it’s swollen in order to look larger and more imposing.


On How to Properly Instruct Old Chinese Doctors to Use Emojis

On How to Properly Instruct Old Chinese Doctors to Use Emojis

论如何正确指导老中医使用表情包
Score 9.2
Status: Completed Type: Author: Released: 2017 Native Language: Chinese
My mom assured me that my next blind date would be absolutely exceptional. We talked on WeChat, then he sent me an emoji: “To our friendship, cheers.”

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