A Friend Who I Loved for a Long Time chapter 1

Chapter 1 (Oneshot)

Ah Lin, I have a friend who I have loved for a long time.

It’s you.

————————

The sixteenth year.  I was in my first year of high school. The first time I saw him was in the dance room. I was a dance student from No. 1 Middle School. I saw him hiding in a small corner at the door of the dance studio to smoke. I guessed it was his first time smoking. He smoked until it filled the air and he was coughing.

I laughed out loud, and he stared at me fiercely. That was the first time I met Lin.

Later, I saw him again because I skipped class and ran straight into him at the low wall of the school’s back gate.

He awkwardly said what bad luck. I stared at him unconvinced. It was like this that we became friends.

The second year of high school. My parents had been divorced for more than ten years. My mother suddenly came back and asked me to go with her. My rebellion was becoming more serious. During that time, I was talking more and more with Lin. He was the one who dragged me out to play and I skipped more than half of my dance class.

We went to see fireworks at midnight. We saw cherry blossoms in a forest filled with them. He always liked to throw the cherry blossom petals on my head.

The sea was close to Zhejiang Province. The two of us secretly took our ID cards and went out to see the sea overnight. The breeze felt a little cold. The silence around me from dawn to dusk was unbelievable.

He asked me, “What do you want to do in the future?” I said I didn’t want it to come. My life was terrible. I didn’t know where I would be in the future and how far away it was going to be.

I told Lin that I did not allow a lot of people to like me since I was a child. My parents divorced when I was seven years old and my family changed in the six months that followed. My stepmother was the culprit who broke up my family, and the son she gave birth to was loved by the whole family. No one loved me except my maternal grandmother.

I looked at my father’s loving eyes on his son, and the guarded expression he had against me for whether I would hurt his son or not. Perhaps he occasionally felt guilty, and numbed himself to deceive me. He said he would treat me the same as my younger brother.

When I said this to Ah Lin, I snickered and wanted to sneer. My mother already had a family of her own. I was raised by my grandmother since I was a child. She did not let people say I was a wild child without parents.

Lin did not speak. The waves around us were loud and rough.

I said to him, “Ah Lin, you know, when I see the sea, I want to jump. I don’t want to live.”

I couldn’t afford to take my dance class for a while now. Rather than say I skipped class, it was better to say I gave up on dancing. I told my grandmother that I didn’t like dancing, so I didn’t want to go to class. That way, we didn’t have to worry about the money for it.

When he heard what I said that night, he lowered his head. His bangs covered his eyes, but I saw his eyes become red. His voice trembled as he choked with sobs. “Li, you are ill.”

In the darkness, we looked at each other in silence under the moonlight. Tears were already streaming down my face, and he was not spared.

In those days, Lin was my only moral support.

The third year of high school was approaching. I finally could not bear to continue burdening my grandmother because she had fallen sick. This was clearly the age in which she should be living a good life in retirement. However, my grandmother still called me “little darling” in an intimate and kind way.

I knew she didn’t think I was a burden, but I did and I didn’t want to feel bad anymore. I was planning to live with my mother after the college entrance examination. That way, she would cover the tuition and living expenses for the second and third year of high school, and I could continue to learn dance.

It was like a funny story. This seemed to be the right thing for a parent to do in the eyes of many people, but I was so grateful.

But even then, I was still not getting better from my illness, and was even getting worse.

There were endless scars on my arms. He always gave me treatment without saying a word about it. He told me “everything will be alright, everything will be alright”.

Ah Lin, I’m not going to get better. I will never get better.

_

The third year of high school. I had an accident during a performance. I was pushed down the stairs by a dance student from the class next door. I rolled down through more than half of the stairs and almost fell to my death.

I sobbed in pain, but I really wanted to die at this moment.

People gathered around me and I struggled to open my eyes. He picked me up and I fell into his warm embrace. In that second, my nose felt tingly and I really wanted to cry.

He said, “Don’t die.”

It was him who got an ambulance for me. I heard the piercing sound of the ambulance coming. It was like it came to save me, but I did not want to be saved. He said he was sorry to me and that he didn’t protect me.

I couldn’t say it then, but I wanted to say it was okay. I was such a withdrawn person. Perhaps I was born to be bullied since I did not have any friends. He was the one who stuck up for me whenever I was bullied. I was already very content.

He pulled my hand firmly. The palms were sweaty. I was a little aware of how he held my hand as he pulled it.

It was the first time we held hands.

When I got to the hospital, there was a lot of blood around me that could have scared people to death. Later, he told me that he was really afraid of me dying back then.

The doctor stopped the bleeding for me. It was a pity that I hurt my leg and missed this year’s skills exam.

Truthfully, I didn’t mind. Yet, he always blamed himself. He came to see me multiple times while I was hospitalized.

The last time he saw me was in psychiatry.

I had attempted suicide, I had cut my wrists. On my wrist was my deepest and longest scar.

My parents finally realized that their daughter, the nearly eighteen year old child they had abandoned, had mental issues a long time ago.

I thought it was okay to be deprived of love. Later, I discovered that no, without love, I would die.

_

During that time, he always stayed with me out of fear that something might happen to me again.

It seemed like when he was always there, I would feel relieved.

Our relationship was broken on my eighteenth birthday. On that day, it had already been a month since he last came to see me. The third year of high school was very exhausting, I said to myself.

I received a call from him on my birthday. He was still the one who wished me a happy birthday at midnight. On the other end of the phone, he must have had a carefree smile since even his voice carried a smile.

“Ah Li, happy birthday! You are one year older. Rest well and recover as soon as possible! Also, I have a girlfriend. When you get better, I’ll take you to meet her. “

It was New Year’s Eve—December 31st.

The sound of fireworks on the phone was almost ringing in my ears. For a moment, I couldn’t hear any sound from the outside world. By the time I responded, he had already hung up the phone.

After this phone call, I realized that I had been sitting on the cold floor for almost an hour. I was terribly cold all over and I was shaking.

I was a person who was afraid of the cold in winter, especially when the sun was down.

That night, I finally realized that my feelings for him were not the friendship kind, or maybe I was so dependent on him that I almost forgot that we had no other relationship besides being classmates and friends.

I no longer remember which year or moment I had feelings for him. Perhaps it was the year when the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. He pulled by hand and ran into the cherry blossom forest to look at the cherry blossoms. He picked a flower and put it on my hair. Or it might have been that winter morning. I was so cold that I was shivering. He held a bottle of hot milk in his hands and gave it to me.

Or perhaps the sea breeze was too strong that night, and the waves hit our ankles, and he said to me, “Ah Li, live.”

I sat on the ground all night, but I didn’t have the courage to call him to ask what our relationship was in the past.

It seemed like he once said that he would take me with him to the future. He promised that we would be together.

Ah Lin, it seemed like your tongue had slipped.

We were just friends… friends and nothing else.

I was afraid that the person on the other end of the phone would be his girlfriend; I was afraid that my defense would collapse again. I was even more afraid that this time, no one would come to save me.

_

The following year. I never saw him again. I was unusually positive about therapy. I did physical rehabilitation for my leg, and strived to continue dancing.

My psychiatrist asked me why I had suddenly changed so much.

I didn’t know how to answer. I just said, “A person once told me to live.”

The year that I received treatment for my mental health was hard. What was strange was that I always received a box of warm milk during winter and I saw a bouquet of roses every day.

Grandmother said it was from my parents, but I always thought it wasn’t.

A year later. My illness was completely better. This time, my parents were also more concerned about me. The burdens in my life were no longer pressing me down. My grandmother was also much better and was no longer running around.

In that same year, I took the exam for dance school again and passed.

It was a happy year for the whole family, and I was also very happy. And that year, I had no contact with him.

The year I was admitted to dance school, I received a letter from him, but I never saw him again. He congratulated me on Wechat.

“Oh, congratulations, you’ve been admitted to your preferred college.”

“Thank you.”

We had already become strangers, but I still called him my friend.

The year I received that letter, my feelings that I should have sunk were a little stirred up into ripples by him; my feelings that should have stopped into a calm autumn wind, were windy again by only a few words from you.

I suddenly understood that sentence in the book. I didn’t open the letter and just put it aside.

I learned from a few friends that he and his girlfriend were admitted to the same university and had a happy life.

I thought, I’m going to start my own life, too.

And I also need to say goodbye to the past.

_

After four years of separation, I did not have the smallest connection with Lin, and gradually, even the holiday greetings had stopped.

After graduating four years later, I found a job and my situation gradually stabilized.

After living the life of an ordinary person, I found a suitable boyfriend in my second year of work and we planned on getting married.

My boyfriend had been chasing me since college. It was true that there was no one who wouldn’t develop feelings from someone who was so full of love.

The day I agreed to be with him, I seemed to be in a daze and saw Ah Lin. I must have seen the wrong person.

I’ve known him for seven years. Oh, Ah Lin, I can’t wait for you, so I just won’t.

Those confessions and promises, I held it in alone for four years. Perhaps Ah Lin really did not like me.

So, Lin, my most important friend—

I hope you and I have peace and happiness.

_

Now that I was socializing and had a lot of friends, I was no longer the withdrawn person I was in the past. All my good friends asked me why I was getting married fast.

I said that we matched, so we were naturally going to get married.

To be honest, it was my grandmother who wanted me to get married. Her whole life’s wish was to see me settle down and get married.

Her health was getting worse and worse over the years. After discussing it with my boyfriend, we agreed to get married.

On the day I said yes to his proposal, I went to see the sea in Zhejiang Province alone. Over there, it was rebuilt and more beautiful.

It’s just that I couldn’t find any traces from that year anymore. But I still liked to see the sea. I came to see the sea again and I was a different person who was brought out here.

_

The third year. I was getting married.

The day before the wedding, I clicked on the chat box that had stayed the same since four years ago and sent him a message asking if he would come.

The response was actually a typical one sent to a group. “Sorry, something has come up, so I can’t go. I will definitely send something as a gift. Ah Li, congratulations on your wedding.”

I stared at the characters“Ah Li” on the screen. Suddenly, a part of the corners of my eyes were tingling. I had not been called that in a long time.

But I didn’t linger in caring about it. After a few random words, it was over.

I was about to become a wife and he had a girlfriend. It was not suitable for us to talk more.

_

On my wedding day. I wasn’t familiar with any of my former classmates in high school. There was one girl I had a relationship with that I considered pretty good, so I only invited her.

That day, she brought Lin’s red packet. She hugged me and gave me a blessing.

After the wedding ceremony, she suddenly spoke up and asked me, “Ah Li, do you love him?”

I froze for a moment and smiled. “He’s really suitable for marriage.”

She did not continue to speak, her eyes moved around somewhat hesitantly. She was about to say something, but did not.

I didn’t ask any questions. The wedding was over.

_

In the second year of my marriage, my grandmother was critically ill. My husband and I rushed back to my hometown through the night.

I didn’t know why, but after I got married, she seemed to have let go of the deep anxiety in her heart and suddenly became ill.

In front of the hospital bed, everyone made way for me to talk to my grandmother. I firmly held her wrinkled hands and cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe.

Grandmother smiled and cried and held my hands. Her voice was weak, but she asked me, “Little darling, it’s that one, that one. Oh it’s the young man who sent you flowers and milk. It’s him. Oh, it’s him. I see that he… really likes you. You need to be to-together…”

Grandmother took my husband’s hand and saw him as the one who sent me flowers and milk that year. My husband was not angry and said yes again and again, and promised that he would be good to me.

The old woman who loved me was still worried about me to her last moment. She was afraid that I would not live well.

_

The third day after the funeral. I finally had time to catch my breath. These days, my tears would dry up and flow out again. I was too weak to speak.

In fact, I always felt that I was heartless. But in the face of the person who loved me most, I would always have countless tears.

Lin once said that I should be a warm person. He’s right. I just lacked affection, so I was always so indifferent.

I promised my grandmother that I would have a good life.

On the last day before I needed to go back, I went back to my home to pack up my things. Thinking of my grandmother’s words, I guessed who it was.

I went through my things from the past. My grandmother was the only one who would store my old things. I found the unopened letter. It was yellow now. I opened the letter. There were only a few words written on it.

Li Li, I like you.

The signature was: Lin.

I looked at that handwriting and the words that were almost faint. Yet, I could tell that it was his handwriting. I thought of what my grandmother had said, and tears fell on the paper one by one.

I didn’t understand why. I glanced at the “Li” character written as the recipient on the letter, and suddenly remembered the WeChat account that I had used in the past, which was my WeChat name.

In the second year of high school, we each created a second account, we sent childish messages and secrets back and forth.

He was the only one on my WeChat account.

I searched for a long time for the phone in the closet. I plugged it back in to charge, only to discover that the phone always had power and was not broken. It was my grandmother who charged it for me.

I opened my cell phone to Wechat and saw a username: Sun.

The message stopped on the night I got married, and he said, “Ah Li, I really want to have a future with you.”

I scrolled through the messages. It was all the happy birthdays missing from those four years, and the holiday greetings for different annual holidays.

I had forgotten about this second account, and had also forgotten:

He once really loved me.

_

I didn’t understand how he could send these to me when he clearly had a girlfriend during that time.

My hands trembled and finally summoned up the courage to use my current cell phone to dial his number after so many years.

“Hello?” It was a girl’s voice.

I didn’t feel well immediately and wanted to hang up, but the other end continued to speak.

“You must be the Ah Li he spoke of. You finally called. He passed away two years ago.”

The voice on the next phone kept talking, as if she was making accusations against me. Her tone was very bad and she seemed to be crying.

She said, “He was diagnosed with stomach cancer eight years ago. He was always treating it, but he did not get any better. At that time, your situation was also very bad. He was afraid you would break down again and did not dare not tell you  about it. Instead, he said that he had a girlfriend when that bastard was actually in chemotherapy.

He did not go to college and had been struggling with his cancer. He died the day after your wedding. When we went to the hospital to see him the next day, he pulled off his oxygen mask. His body was already cold…

His body really couldn’t support him anymore, but he said that he wanted to see you happy.”

I didn’t know how long those words echoed in my mind.

Lin, were you in pain? It must have been a lot of pain, but you still wrote down those words. How well did you know me? You knew I wouldn’t look back; you knew that I wouldn’t read that letter.

Grandmother, it looked like I couldn’t find him anymore…

_

That year, I realized that I had lost two people who loved me the most.

One was the old woman who raised me and was my most loved relative in my life.

One was a friend who no longer had anything to do with me but had loved me for eight years.

_

My family was happy and harmonious untilI I was past my prime years and I had finally reached my grandmother’s age.

That night, I fainted and was taken to the hospital by my daughters. It was just like when he got me an ambulance that year. I heard a faint noise from outside. It was the sound of anxiety and the ambulance.

My children were crying by my side, and my grandchildren had tears streaming down their faces.

An oxygen mask was put on me and beside me was the cold sound of the heart rate monitor. I opened my eyes slightly and couldn’t hear what the doctor was saying.

I saw a lot of people. Parents who were brimming with a smile and a baby in their arms. Their faces were covered with wrinkles but they still looked kind and affectionate. Grandmothers who loved to smile when they saw me, filial daughters, and clever grandchildren.

I saw my parents who had not divorced yet and the hope they gave to the baby who had crystallized out of their love.

I saw the one who loved me all my life. It was also the old woman who I loved the most.

And… the seventeen or eighteen year old boy who sprinkled cherry blossoms on me and told me good luck in everything.

“I’m going to give all my good luck to Ah Li.”

My life was coming to an end, but I had one regret all my life.

He seemed to be waving to me, just like when he waved to me when we were seventeen years old. We never seem to be apart, but we hadn’t seen each other in a day.

My granddaughter asked me earlier, pointing to the handsome man in the picture and asking who he was.

I did not answer. I could not answer until today.

Yes, the friend who I have loved for a long time.

“Ah Lin, I am coming to see you.”

—— The End ——


A Friend Who I Loved for a Long Time

A Friend Who I Loved for a Long Time

爱了很久的朋友
Score 7.4
Status: Completed Type: Author: Released: 2021 Native Language: Chinese
Ah Li, I will beg to the heavens so that you can live a bit longer. I will risk all my luck and my life. I am willing. —————— Ah Lin, marry me in our next life.One sentence summary: He only told me that he wanted me to live.

Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Options

not work with dark mode
Reset